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Monday, 13 March 2017


Hey guys! I'm so sorry for my SUUUUPER LONG break from blogging but I'm back and I think now is the right time to open up about why I had such a long break. First of all, I just want to send a massive thank you to Felicity from Dancing Through Life for reaching out to me about a collab (coming April 1st). When Felicity did that, I felt everything about blogging that kept me happy come rushing back. I WANT to blog now. That wouldn't have been possible without her. So thank you again, Felicity, for reminding me that blogging keeps me sane. Now it's time for the explanation.

So since I talked to you last, I have had two depressive episodes/mental breakdowns. One was in the last quarter of the school year and the other was over summer break. I suffer from depression.

The first time was more prolonged but I was still able to go to school most days but I just wasn't okay at all. I would come home from school and just breakdown in my bedroom crying and thinking thoughts that I can't even think about today. I would go downstairs to the lounge and watch Netflix for hours on end and eat unhealthy food. Basically what I did was the worst thing I could possibly do, and the reason I couldn't break the cycle. I was distancing myself from everybody and I didn't have the will or desire to do anything but lay down crying. Thinking about it now drains me so much. I was depressed for so long and I just didn't have good days.

One day I told my Mum that I was feeling a down and I fessed up to crying in my room and watching Netflix alone before anybody else got home. We booked an appointment with my GP for two weeks from that day. Those two weeks felt like the longest in my life. But finally that day came. Although I trust my GP, I choked up when I told her. I can feel my throat closing up just thinking about it now. I decided on going to therapy and from there we had to wait for about three weeks. My councillor was amazing and it was great to spill out everything. It got easier to talk about the depression every time.

Eventually it was time for the summer break. I moved to a different city the day school finished, and considering I had the most supportive, stupid, loving class that I knew like the back of my hand, I was heartbroken to leave them.

I used to spend half of the summer holidays at my Dad's flat but he passed away as many of you know. My Mum decided to send me up north (a five hour drive) to stay with my grandmother. She has no car, so her place is very isolated. Probably the day my Mum left to go home, the depression kicked in.

I was all alone and the only eventful thing in a day at my Nana's house was when she turned on the TV at 5pm. For those two weeks, I was calling my Mum around 10-20 times a day. The depression ate me alive, and that was the worst time of my life. I love my grandmother, but I had only ever stayed at her house for half a week before.

I remember one day. I was sitting in my room after I had a shower. I cried for about half an hour before ringing my Mum. I told her about my suicidal thoughts. I told her that I had just been sitting there crying, trying to squeeze everything out of my brain, but I only made it worse. She told me to go on a walk, so I did. And I helped me so much. I'm glad it was summer, because on that walk, I could feel the sun on my skin, I could feel my feet on the grass. I felt so grounded, like I was real again. I came back to my Nana's place with a smile. 

I had to go home early from that trip. I felt better at home. Although the depression wasn't magically cured. I had the support of my family. My oldest sister Jessica was even home from uni. I am so close to both of my sisters because of that, and without them, I don't know where I would be. I rode my other older sister, Melissa's horse, I drove around, just talking about everything, with Jessica, I walked up and around the Mount with both of them, several times. I felt happiness again. That time with my sisters is what keeps me going when I have a bad day. I CAN feel happiness. No matter what I feel like in the moment, I CAN feel happiness.

So sure there are still bad days, and I'm sure that I'll have many more depressive episodes, but now that I don't have to tackle them alone, I feel like I can get through it. 

I have told many people that I have depression. I say it with a factual tone, the three words: "I have depression". But it's a lot harder to tell people how depression grips your throat, then convinces you that you are choking yourself. It's a little harder to say that depression tells me I don't deserve anybody, then convinces me to push them all away.

If anybody tells you about their depression, listen. This is probably very hard for them, but they trust you. You can support them by just suggesting to hang out. If they seem like they don't think you love them, tell them how much you mean to them. One tip is to get them to exercise, even if it's very light, it will most likely lift their mood.

You can make it through, you can fight this dark monster. It's dirty hand-prints on your brain will be outshone by all the happiness that comes after, and soon enough, the handprints will be smaller, and will fade easily.

YOU ARE NOT YOUR MENTAL ILLNESS. Remember that, because although depression could convince you to do things that you don't want to do, you have to make your own decisions.

Thank you so much for reading this post. I have honestly poured my heart into it and I'm glad that I found the courage to share my story because it might just help somebody with the same condition as me, or, just as importantly, spread awareness about the condition.



Friday, 16 September 2016

The Way I See It... Search for Inspiration

Hey guys! Today is Friday so it is time for another The Way I See It post! Today I'm going to be talking about grasping every day and searching for inspiration in the worst times. This is something that is important to me so I'm glad to be talking about it.

Some days are great. You feel an intense surge of motivation and you just know it's going to be a good day. On other days, you don't even want to get out of bed. On those days, I think that it's important to fight through whatever is making you feel a bit off and search for inspiration. If I'm feeling uninspired when it comes to writing blog posts, I'll go and read other blogs for ideas and general inspiration. When I am looking for inspiration for blog posts, it doesn't have to be direct. For example, if I was looking for a post about society, I would think about situations I had been in lately and how this could mirror wider society. Nature can also be a giant inspiration, even if you need the inspiration to continue your day. Practice drawing inspiration from your surroundings and you will feel much more motivated to carry on.

Good luck in your inspirational journey, haha. Have a great week and I'll talk to you later. Byeee!



Friday, 9 September 2016

The Way I See It... Writing Songs

Hey guys! I hope you liked the photography post from last week but we are back to The Way I See It posts. I hope you have all had a great week since I last talked to you. Today I'm going to be talking about my love of writing songs, I think I have written a post about song writing around a year ago but that was an entirely different (and cringeworthy) era of my blog so here is the updated version.

I love writing songs. For me it is a way to simultaneously escape and face my problems and turn them into something beautiful. I started writing songs when I was going through some bullying at the age of six, I had a yellow notebook with all of my songs in it, I used that notebook for songs for two or three years until I sadly lost it at a holiday program. I still think about that notebook and I have concluded that I will probably never get that notebook back so I may as well just stop wondering what is in the notebook. I am still writing songs to replace the yellow notebook-shaped hole in my heart, I know I will never get that notebook back but I know my songwriting skills have improved over the years. Maybe sometime I will share my music with you, until then here are some of the musical artist that inspire me greatly:
Dodie Clark
Lauren Aquilina
Nina Nesbitt
Melanie Martinez

Thank you so much for listening to my ramblings about songwriting. Do you write songs? What artists inspire you musically? Tell me in the comments. I hope you have a wonderful week and I will talk to you very soon!



Friday, 2 September 2016

What's In My Camera | Part 2

Hey guys! This week has been a really busy week for me so I haven't had time to write a quality post for my The Way I See It series. I don't believe in posting if the post isn't something I am honestly proud of and I need time, which I haven't had, to create that. Instead of this week's The Way I See It post, I figured it would make sense to post a photography, as this is something I haven't done in a while.

Thank you very much for looking at my photography, I really love it and I hope that shines through in the photos! Have a great and I will talk to you very soon!



Friday, 26 August 2016

The Way I See It... Steptember

Hey guys! This week has been pretty eventful, somebody in my extended family has been diagnosed with cancer and somebody else in my extended family might have a chronic illness to do with the brain (they can still think and communicate as clearly and abstractly as before thankfully). To make matters worse I ran into somebody two days ago and feel on the floor while playing multi-sports and I got winded. The next morning I couldn't move my neck and I went to the chiropractor twice in one day. Turns out I had a mild concussion and an extremely tight neck. I'm going to today and if things aren't a lot better, I'll be getting x-rays. I'm feeling a lot better today though. Sorry for my little ramble, I'll be getting on to the post now, haha. Today I'm going to be talking about Steptember.

A few days ago, I found out about something called Steptember, I heard the cause behind it and I was very interested. Steptember, as you may have guessed is about taking steps in September for charity. From the !st to the 28th of September, I will be taking 10,000 steps a day and raising money for people living with Cerebral Palsy. Cerebral Palsy is basically a brain injury occurring at or before birth that affects a person's ability use their muscles and body, sometimes the person will have seizures and other disabilities. The funds of Steptember can give people living with Cerebral Palsy their first steps, a physiotherapy session or even a modified bike to make playing with their friends possible. Your fundraising can also pay for research into how we can cure Cerebral Palsy! I highly recommend finding out more about Steptember on their website.

I'm going to be doing Steptember because I want to be healthier and raise money for people with Cerebral Palsy, I'm going to be doing a lot of fundraising for the event. So far I have talked to my principal about selling home-made awareness ribbons (green for Cerebral Palsy) and he loves the idea, I have some friends helping me sell those, I still need to come up with advertising around my school but I'll be making those ribbons tonight. I might go to a Saturday Market and sell some baking and ribbons. I think I might do a raffle for lollies (sweets/candy) and chocolate depending on the sales of the ribbons and baking. I will also be asking my family and friends to sponsor me.

If you would like to get involved with Steptember, go to their website, you could directly donate there or do Steptember yourself. Feel very welcome to donate to me through my online fundraising page! Any of the above will help greatly, but obviously, it's not a necessity to give money to the cause, I just think it will make you feel really great to know that you are helping someone in need. Steptember starts in 5 days and 6 hours, I am ready for this!

I hope you have enjoyed finding out a little bit more about Steptember and good luck in whatever you want to do to help those living with Cerebral Palsy. I will update you regularly on my Steptember journey! How are you going to get involved in Steptember? Do you know somebody living with Cerebral Palsy? Tell me in the comments. I hope you have a wonderful day! Byeeeeee!